Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
