this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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