My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
