I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
