I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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