its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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