the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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