Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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