after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
