flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize