on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
