the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
