first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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