ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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