It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
