Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
