God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
