I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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