Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
