I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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