Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
