We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
