then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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