I think my fart just growled at me.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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