i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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