just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
