got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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