Who wears a wallet chain?!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
