i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
