I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
