Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize