you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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