Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
