I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
