I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
