We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I looked at my own cervix.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
