I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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