just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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