You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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