a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
