Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
