Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
