You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
