My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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