I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
