an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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