I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
