I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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