i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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