You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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