uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
