I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
