Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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