I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
