Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
